Okay, I get it. Halloween is super fun. If you still have the inner-child imagination, and you want to show it off for the neighbors, that’s great. Heck, my father used to put his awesome speakers in the window and play slowed-down church organ on Halloween. But, what he didn’t do was turn his house into a waking plastic nightmare for a month or two before the day. One night, while the kids are getting their friggin’ goodies, turn it all on, but a month of this shit – no deal. We all know you people, yes YOU people, will replace all that nonsense with Christmas crap only a month later. I’ve seen some folk tear Halloween down and put up Christmas in a single weekend.
Like all stuff that is kind of terrible, it can redeem itself by going the extra mile into the shitty. For instance, like fine music, it’s not the notes you place, it’s the notes you don’t that make the song. Just because you have a huge front lawn does not mean you need to cover it with every single ornament or plastic light-bright skull you can find at Walmart. My grandparents did shit with class. They had a huge lawn on their property, as well as a seriously huge spruce tree. I mean, this friggin’ tree is mammoth. They would pay to have a decorator come, with a friggin’ crane, and decorate this tree from top to bottom, as well as have a mammoth star on the top of it. It was magnificent. It was also the only thing decorated on the property. If they would have even added a friggin’ plastic Santa with some dumb plastic reindeer, it would have ruined everything. Instead, they had a classy, respectable, yet intense display of their love of the holiday.
With this all said, I have seen some of the trashiest decorations, some of the most over-the-top displays of power routing, some shit that would be make Mr. Griswold proud. And yes, I’ve given those places a ‘fuck’n right’ under my breath. Because, if you’re going to take on being the asshole in the neighborhood that keeps all of us awake with your bullshit lights and sounds, then you have thicker skin than I, pal. Didn’t I hear a story about a murdered person that went unnoticed because the neighbors thought the body was part of the decorations? Now that deserves a few punk rock points. Set up the scene to hide your dastardly deed in plain sight. Balls extraordinaire.
And then there are those who simple do it because it pisses us off. Those folks are my favorite, and I will happily take one for the team when this is the motive of their attacks. So quiet neighborhoods are most of the time. It’s great to see Mr. Jones or Mr. Smith snap one day and try and scare the shit out of us with their Walmart credit cards. When did people stop covering homes with toilet paper? You’d see one of these crazy decorated yards, and you’d get some pals and shut that shit down with, you got it, some shit wipe. Shuttin’ Shit Down With Shit Wipe. Good times, that. All in all, please, keep it simple, or go seriously overboard with it. The minimal spattering of plastic grave stones and fake cobwebs at your door are boring and tired. Either scare the shit out of people or don’t bother. When it comes to Christmas, my favorite are the ones that leave the lights up all year ’round. Real class act, that. – FATS