john-benderJudd Nelson had some fun in 1985. He made up phrases for the establishment; neo-maxi-zimbiggwie (or something). He spit in the air and caught it in his mouth. He rocked some air guitar and fell through the ceiling. Most importantly, his was able to get his face where every guy age 12 to 30 (and many girls that age too) wanted to be; 4 inches away from fucking Molly Ringwald’s crotch. Later, he sat in a circle with Molly and some other stereotypical young people caricatures and cried about how hard suburban high school life in the 80s was. We learned all about crying caricatures that first viewing of The Breakfast Club.

molly-ringwaldRumor rumbling around the greediest, laziest industry (entertainment), in the greediest laziest town (Hollywood CA), in the greediest, laziest country (USA), is that the now 30 year old quaint little movie about spoiled suburban kids having a Saturday detention could and should be remade. I sometimes wonder how the original even got made.

the-breakfast-club-emilio-estevezThe type of lazy and greedy people that would remake older or possible classic movies treat their movies as investments, and would only cast established stars. I challenge you to find a single young actor who would consider any of the Breakfast Club roles who is remotely capable of the performances of the original cast. They’re too perfect, careful and pretty. Hollywood no longer takes risks on unknown or even partially known talent. Art and money don’t mix; never have, and never will.

allysheedyAlso, you just fucking know they’re going to fuck with the plot and throw in an ethnic kid or three. How about some sexual identity/gender stuff? Fuck, that’s modern and edgy right…? It just comes off as lazy. They’re too lazy to try to make those movies on their own and just cram it into this fucking film. It’s about teens talking right? Perfect. The original already had too much touchy-feely dribble about bullying and its consequences. Given this hyper sensitive era, you can’t trust a single person other than John Hughes to even try to tackle that kind of dialog, and he’s dead.

breakfast-club-brianThe most authentic thing about the Breakfast Club was its location in the affluent (white) suburbs of Chicago. Kids have trouble getting a grip with the creeping responsibilities of adulthood and reality. Rich white kids are never taught these realities, because their shitty parents don’t get it either. Nothing was resolved at the end of the movie. On fucking Monday morning, they were right back to their separate clicks and their miserable friends. The traits that make the movie remotely authentic, and even watchable, will be the first things lost on the new producers, as it will be impossible to find new issues (there aren’t any) when adapting the movie for an audiences today.

screenshot-lrg-09Instead of a shiny, generic, sanitized remake that wants to milk the real story for a few more trillion, I say cast the same actors. They all need the work. Have them play the same miserable kids 30 years on. The hoodlum will be a clone of his useless Vice Principal nemesis; probably worse, and older now. The rest of the shallow 80s bunch will pretty much be the same now as then; a little dead in the eyes, a little bored, and very self-absorbed. Jock guy never stopped bullying. Freaky girl is the same and no one cares, hopefully she doesn’t either. Rich girl still hates sex. And, the miserable brainy kid either got out of the suburbs and is never coming back, or considering he was in the detention because he had considered suicide, and depression is a thing you don’t shake too easily, may not have even have made it through the rest of the weekend. – Greg Kerr