FUCKING IDIOT OF THE WEEK: ELEVATOR SHAFTED!

IDIOT INGREDIENTS

(1) A vodka-swilling pill-popping airline customer.
(2) A potted plant made of plastic.
(3) Airport security video showing the former climbing the latter.
And then came the elevator…

body7n-1-webThe death of a man who fell down an elevator shaft at Tampa International Airport last year was ruled accidental — if one considers forcing open the elevator doors, jumping toward the cables, and wrapping your arms and legs around them to slow your descent “an accident.” The man lost his grip (friction is a bitch) and fell headfirst down the shaft from the seventh floor, resulting in a quick and painless death: the medical report describes the trauma as “complete dislocation of cervical vertebrae 5 and 6, with spinal cord laceration,” meaning he broke his neck.

Pill-popping vodka-swilling Chad Wolfe, 31, was resting in peace (or “sleeping it off”) when the Estate of Chad Wolfe decided to dig up his grave eighteen months later by filing a lawsuit. Evidently a hanging Chad demands a legal enquiry. According to the Estate of Chad Wolfe, the cause of his death was a malfunctioning elevator and airport authorities as well as the elevator manufacturer should have prevented it.

At the time, Chad was behaving like a impatient drunken gorilla. He was physically strong; forcing open elevator doors is no problem for a man who can climb potted plants. He was also high as a kite with the fantastical belief that he could grab the elevator cables in free-fall and slide down to the first floor like a movie hero. Eighteen months later Chad is portrayed as the blameless victim of doors that opened too easily.

pill-alcoholIt is reasonable that elevator doors should open with a determined effort, otherwise people are physically trapped inside elevators when the power fails. It is unreasonable to protect idiots from themselves no matter the extreme. And idiots are made, not born — the person in question had voluntarily swallowed a mix of decision-impairing substances bringing his BAC to 0.17% with a Xanax chaser. Unfamiliar with Xanax, this writer thumbed through the Urban Dictionary and found Xanax described as one of the more addictive benzos with withdrawal effects including psychosis and epileptic-type seizures.