(LOUDSPEAKER)CHILDREN, PLEASE COME DOWN TO THE GYM FOR TODAY’S HEALTH HUSTLE’ – FUCK YEAH!

Anyone who went to public school in Ontario in the late 70s and 80s remembers Health Hustle.  In some schools it was done on a by class basis, and some schools were small enough to have all the kids do it at once, but whatever the size of the class, we all went to the gym (Dan’s school didn’t have a fuck’n gym, so they did it in the hallway – bitch’n) each morning to shake the fucking willy’s out.

POPCORN by HOT BUTTER

 

I was lucky enough to have a father that listened to decent music, but for some of those kids, this was a righteous education into some great friggin’ tunes.  Junk food was starting to be real big business where I lived, and we all loved it.  The lunch room was full of Joe Louis’ and Vachon Cakes.  Christ, we had a kid that got one of them candy lick’m stick packs in his lunch every day.  That family should write a book on ‘How To Create A Diabetic’.  Health Hustle was the only thing that kept us piggy’s from sugar comas. (well, I ended up with the ‘betes and continual sugar comas, but that’s another story for another day)  I guess Health Hustle was created by the province of Ontario and instituted into the public school curriculum.  I say I guess, because fuck me if anyone wants to talk about it.  Why would that stop anyway?  Kids are getting fatter and fatter by the second in this part of the world.  Whatever.  When it happened for us in the 80s, we fucking loved it.

BAD, BAD LEROY BROWN by JIM CROCE

 

First off, it wasn’t part of gym class, so you didn’t miss out on the much needed floor hockey time each day.  Secondly, you got to get the fuck out of that classroom with those squashy fucking desks and fluorescent lights.  Most importantly though, you got to dance your fucking ass off to some great tunes.  I don’t know how they got away with it, but the music seems to be standardized across the province, so each Health Hustle class played the same soundtrack.  Did they pay royalties on that music?  Did they have to pay royalties on that music?  Think about it.  Here are a few of the songs I can remember from that Heath Hustle soundtrack:

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown – Jim Croce, Love will keep us together – Captain and Tennile, Tie a Yellow Ribbon – Tony Orlando, Popcorn – Hot Butter, My Guitar Gently Weeps  – The Beatles, Obladi Oblada – The Beatles, Get Back – The Beatles, Back in the U.S.S.R. – The Beatles, King of the Road – Roger Miller, to name a few.  I’m a bit dusted, and it was 30 fucking years ago, so if anyone can remember anymore more, please leave it in the comments box.

LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER by CAPTAIN & TENNILLE

 

I clearly remember our grade 2 teacher, Mrs. Blair, who was your typical primary school teacher with her proper look and demeanor.  She played it very cool when she was teaching, but she let the devil out when Health Hustle was on.  That 70-something lady let it right fucking rip on that gymnasium floor, dancing her fucking ass off.  She let he hair down, shook her granny hips, and sang along to every fucking song.  That shit is contagious, and we bad project kids fell right into the pocket and sang every song with her.  We jumped up and down, twirled about, twisted our fucking necks until they almost came off.  If you would have taken us down to the gym and asked us to do all that shit without those songs, we would have revolted – and the school would have lost.  But, you add some great, timeless tunes, and you can tame a gym full of 35 or 40 dirty project kids for at least 45 minutes.  Nothing tamed us for 45 minutes at a time back then (well, maybe floor hockey did too), and heck, we all got some great exercise out of it.  I’ve heard that Michelle Obama has a Health Hustle project going on in the USA right now, but I’ve heard the track listing – there ain’t no songs with lyrics like this in that Health Hustle.  This song was the highlight of our Health Hustle, and I believe we had to do a little circle whirly whirl thing while snapping our fingers when this song was on.  I want someone to make a record with all the original Health Hustle songs on it – I’d buy the shit out of that record.  Here’s the best song on that record (Michelle Obama ain’t letting lyrics like this near her fat kids) – FATS

KING OF THE ROAD by ROGER MILLER

 

Trailer for sale or rent, rooms to let, fifty cents.
No phone, no pool, no pets, I ain’t got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I’m a man of means by no means, king of the road.

Third boxcar, midnight train, destination, Bangor, Maine.
Old worn out clothes and shoes,
I don’t pay no union dues,
I smoke old stogies I have found short, but not too big around
I’m a man of means by no means, king of the road.

I know every engineer on every train
All of their children, and all of their names
And every handout in every town
And every lock that ain’t locked, when no one’s around.

I sing, trailers for sale or rent, rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets, I ain’t got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I’m a man of means by no means, king of the road.

Trailers for sale or rent, rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets, I ain’t got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I’m a man of means by no means, king of the road.