After a few wobbly-pops in celebration of our home town hockey team being the best fucking team in the league for the last 2 months and scraping into the playoffs, my pal Gary and I met up with our good pal Randy to continue the celebration over a few burgers on the Death Star Hibachi. Randy is working real hard to keep the liquor to a dull roar, so instead of his usual Miller’s, he came packing a few bottles of RC Cola. We all got hooked on RC Cola when we were kids and the fucking pizza place in the neighbourhood so proudly gave a free bottle of pop with their pies. If you bought a large greasy wheel from these guys, you got a free 350 mL bottle of cola; not the good stuff, you got RC Cola. Damn that shit was awful. As time went on, multiple spokes meant multiple visits on the RC Cola Express, and we all eventually got used to it. In fact, it’s all Randy drinks in the way of cola now. This got me thinking.
Gary, Randy and I live up here in the frozen land of please and thank-you, but does our good buddy Daren Malachi, living all the way down in Los Angeles, have a same story when it comes to his unhealthy obsession with Diet-Shasta? If you’re not familiar, Shasta Beverages is a U.S. soft drink manufacturer, which markets a value-priced soft drink line with a wide variety of soda flavors, under the brand name Shasta Soda. The company name is derived from Mount Shasta and an associated spring. Basically, it’s the cheap cola where Daren lives. Did Daren get hooked on this beverage the same way we did, or is it simply that Daren is a cheap bastard and won’t pay the hefty prices the big fellas at Coca Cola and Pepsi want? Gary says it may be somewhere in the middle. I think it has to do with Daren’s right to say fuck off to the big cola firms. Don’t think you’re going to take all that water from all them Third World countries and get Daren’s cash. Who am I kidding, Daren would be over there taking the water himself if it meant more Shasta. He just loves the fucking stuff. I’ve got it from a reliable source that Troy has been filling his belly with Shasta because it makes him feel more in tune with Daren. I think there might be a little man-crush going on there, but again, this comes from my (very large) source in Los Angeles.
What would be awesome is if we could have ourselves a RC Cola versus Shasta Taste Test. You know, like all them commercials in the 80s with dumbasses being blindfolded to try Coke or Pepsi. In this test, we would go to all the trailer parks, blindfold folks up, and find out what discount beverage reigns supreme. Tammy and Crystal can wear bikinis covered in branding material from both colas, while the rest of us keep meticulous records of what cola does better. Perhaps even Dog the Bounty Hunter can take some time off from his Ripper Management duties to attend as a celebrity guest. That would pack the place for sure. Well, for now, you can take the test at home yourself. Get a six’r of each RC Cola and Shasta (diet is Daren’s favorite), get the whole family around, have a swallow of each cola, and mark down your findings. You can then email these findings to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com, and we will tally the results and get back to you in a few months.