JEAN SHORTS: GOOD VERSUS BAD

Yeah, so it’s fucking snowing, and it makes no sense to talk about jean shorts on a day like today, but after talking about fucking lawnchairs this week on the podcast, the image of Gary in his snug denim plum smugglers has necessitated that I shout this shit out of my head.

Daisy_DukesGrowing up as a kid, like many of my male friends, we all waited anxiously for another episode of The Dukes of Hazard so we could watch them smash fucking cars, get back at that goof Boss Hog, and by the thunderous magic of Zeus, get another glimpse of Daisy Duke in those fucking jean shorts.  Catherine Bach sure brought me out of the Star Wars toy era into the early years of manhood.  It was here that I first learned the term “camel toe.”  What more could a young prepubescent lad want; smashing cars and a seriously sexy woman who helps smash the cars.

4a496f4b53567d63ba73b1563db852c3f4b38cd4Much later, when the movie versions were made with Jessica Simpson and April Scott playing the role of Daisy, yet again, those sassy jean shorts were ever-present.  The effect this outfit had on all us young lads in the early 80s sustained the wardrobe of this character.  I am sure the 70s were filled with images of woman wearing jean shorts, and this gets to my point.  I propose that jean shorts should have stayed in the 70s, and for the love of crabo, they should never be worn by men.

 

Lemmy-KilmisterWhen Scott Ian told his story in that Lemmy documentary about how the Motorhead frontman gave him shit about wearing his surfer shorts, stating that the shorts he (Lemmy) wore were the only kind of shorts a man should wear, the Godfather of Loud was wrong – dead wrong.  I hate saying that, because Lemmy isn’t wrong about much in my mind, but dude… those fucking jean shorts you wear are terrifying.  When I was talking about how our buddy Gary likes to wear jean shorts, his skinny-ass hairy legs come out of those things just like Lemmy’s do.  I’m having a hard time keeping my lunch down even writing this.  I guess it comes down to the fact that the only men wearing clothes that snug are Olympic swimmers or acrobats, but they never wear that shit in public otherwise.  In the end though, part of what makes me love Lemmy so much is the fact that he simply doesn’t give a fuck what any of us think about him.  But dude, I wince every time I see this picture of you.  Just imagine this dude standing behind you as you sit in your lawnchair at a music festival on a hot day.  I think I just made a little sick in my mouth.