NHL: SENATORS v. LIGHTNING
Well, ya know, I sat my arse down in my sweet Archie-Bunker-esque comfy chair in the this-here Lodge,just hoping with all my might, like Chad on chequeday, that the boys could pull something out of their fucking hats to make this trip out there to Florida worth something. Nope. The fuckers left the Sunshine State with fuck all – not a fucking point. That there game versus Florida was a bloody fucking nightmare. If ya can’t beat the fucking Panthers – by Jesus you need to give your fucking head a shake. And this time out versus those quick fuckers in Tampa was just as fucking ugly! The “Dolts” smashed the white jersey pylons 4-1 for fuck sake.
That wiley veteran David Legwand did his best for the cause, and heck, even got his third goal of the season in his sweet fuckity 1,000th game in the league. I still remember that fucking annoying woman sitting in front of us when the Golden God himself, Alfie, played his 1,000th game. She played Sudoku the whole game. We stole her shirt. Twat. Anyway, even though Robin Lehner danced around on his head and made 28 stops, the fucking defense still sucked balls and the Senators gave up 3 goals in the third. You ain’t gonna win shit that way.
“The first two periods we played really good. We kept battling but details matter in this game and they scored three of them,” said Lehner.
Those Bolts sure have a few sneaky fuckers on that bench of theirs. Ryan Callahan had a two-point game, while pinko Nikita Kucherov, Alex Killborn, and that fucking Brenden Morrow all had a kick at the can. There’s a few things that kill my buzz watching hockey, and one of them is when a former player for my favorite team comes back and makes us look fucking stupid. Well, that Ben Bishop monster moved his lifetime record against the Senators to 5-0-2. Fuck I hate that. Once again, the team was seriously outshot in the third period. What?!? Are you fucking tired you sissies? Sniff the sniff thing for fuck sake. We know you all sniff the sniff thing on the bench. Dammit.
“The effort was there and the compete,” said alternate captain Chris Phillips. “When you look at the game in Florida, that was one for us (Saturday). We have to continue to keep coming out and having an effort like that. There’s mistakes and they’re bound to happen and we’ve got to tighten that up. A little more attention to details.”
Shut up Phillips. I yell at Chris Phillips more than I yell at my cat for eating my weed. You slow fuck, it’s sad to watch you skate sometimes. You should have a bright orange cone on your head, you fucking pylon.
Killorn tipped an Anton Stralman shot from the point by Lehner at 1:16 of the third to give the Bolts the lead. Then Morrow, the mountain goat, scored his first with the Lightning at 8:09 to open up a two-goal lead, and Kucherov put the fucking game away.
Winger Clarke MacArthur, who took a double-minor in the third that made it difficult for the Senators to come back, admitted the club is squeezing its sticks. The fucking team needs to squeeze their balls a bit and get their fucking sticks back on the ice and score some fucking goals; at least stop the clowns from scoring on us. Yeah, that’s right Phillips, I’m talking to you. Fuck you.
“We’re dried up a little bit. (Bishop) made a couple of big saves,” MacArthur said. “A couple of things were knocked down that would normally go through.
The boys have some wheels this year, but you need to fucking score 5 on 5 in this league, and for whatever reason, because it sure isn’t that the people in Tampa give a flying fuck about hockey, those Lightning fuckers always seem to put a competitive team on the ice. Tampa is a shit hole. I don’t know why there are sports franchises there at all. That baseball stadium is the worst thing since the Big O. Terrible! Smarten up! Regardless of any of that, the Lightning always seem to be an okay team.
Ya know, it looked okay after 40 minutes. The game was tied up. But hey look, some robot has broken into the locker room between the second and third and repeated the same speech played most games. “This is when you go out there and shit the bed. That whole 110 percent thing fuckhead over there said at the intermission, we all know, and they fans all know, that is bullshit. Ya you’re young and fast, but everyone take a page out of associate captain Chris Phillips’ notebook this period, and stop skating and give the puck to the other team. The more goals they get in the third, the better.” All the while Phillips is eating a new sandwich created at his restaurant that uses pieces of fried chicken instead of bread.
“You want the two points, especially after (Friday),” said Legwand. “I thought we played a bit better and we created a bit more. They buried on their chances and we didn’t. That’s the difference.”
As I sit here, three sheets to the wind and full of the sweet smoke of crabo, I may not not know much, but I sure as fuck know one thing; the Ottawa Senators need to play better than they did in Florida this last couple of days, or sure as fuck, they ain’t making the playoffs. The current owner of this team makes hasty and dumbass decisions when his team doesn’t make the playoffs. The Senators next meet the outta-fucking nowhere Islanders and their “first to 17” bullshit, on Tuesday night, and the Lightning plays at MSG in New York against the fuckhead Rangers tonight.
Remember – stay fast and smashy, Gary Bettman is a goof, and holy fuck the Leafs suck.